Don’t Give Up
Rest When you need to but keep waking up
These were some of the Post It notes I left for myself the first time my heart was truly broken. There had been many other times in my life when I thought my heart was broken but nothing that felt like what I experienced when my marriage ended.
Last week I shared with you a meditation to connect you to your heart and asked you to consider heart break an opportunity to let light in. I wish I’d had that thought almost five years ago.
Prior to my actual separation and divorce, there were many times I thought of leaving my husband. Our marriage was not ideal by any means. During those times I would feel an incredible pain in my heart. I assumed that feeling meant I wasn’t ready to leave the relationship. I was willing to keep trying. The pain I was experiencing in my marriage felt easier to deal with then the pain I felt from the possibility of a broken heart and what divorce meant.
Looking back now, I keep playing with this idea of heartbreak as a way to open the heart to let in more light and possibility. I now wonder if that pain I felt was actually my heart breaking and letting me know something else could manifest. My heart was making room for me.
The period of my divorce and I’d say two-three years post divorce were the hardest years of my life so far. Even with the support of my family and friends, my yoga, and my yoga community, my thoughts, emotions and even actions often left me paralyzed, even depressed. For awhile I remember thinking how could one person have to go through so much. It never seemed to be ending. It was one painful moment and event after the other.
I learned to truly embrace ANGER. Something I had never done before. I allowed myself to be with dark, angry thoughts and not always try and see the good in someone or a situation. I wrote copious letters I never sent, I tried on profanity and a lot of it which I never did before, I let the anger be my dance partner. I learned not to beat myself up over my emotions and negative thoughts. Instead, I used yoga to dig in and face them and feel them.
I also learned about GRIEF and how hard it is to let go of dreams and knowing that the person you thought you were in relationship with was no longer the right partner.
It’s Only Natural
I sat with FEAR. I was afraid of truly being alone, of no one knowing where I was and when I was returning. I was afraid of letting Justin see me angry or sad or grief stricken (until a wise therapist said, let him see). I was afraid I couldn’t handle everything by myself. I was afraid I’d never meet someone who would love me. I was afraid I was broken. I was afraid it was all my fault. I was afraid I didn’t try hard enough. I was afraid I wasn’t enough.
What I Lost and What I Gained
And then I realized
That to be
I had to be
I did it
I lost my
I learned slowly that the cracks in my heart were letting in light. Little bits at a time. I learned the difficult times won’t last forever. I discovered that over the years I had lost ME. Those cracks were an opportunity to RE-MEMBER, RE-CREATE, RE-DEFINE and RE-DISCOVER myself.
So my life was going to be different. I started to forge a new plan, to remember that I was in charge of my own life and I was going to make it and plan for JOY in my life.
I made a list of all the things I had and I kept it close
- Kindness of friends
- A place to live
- Beautiful things full of memories
- My ability to take care of me and Justin
- My health
- A job I loved
- Amazing family and friends
I felt myself getting stronger everyday although there were still days when I stayed under the covers.
And I came to reflect on the one truly amazing result from that relationship – my son. Justin is my true love. He is courageous, loving, funny, kind, devoted to his friends, committed, wants to help others and he makes me want to be a better person and parent.
Carl Bard says, “though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new beginning.”
My heart breaking was my opportunity to make a brand new beginning and I am GRATEFUL.